Shopping for Passover
with Johnny Mathis


One of the worst traumas of the 60's is Johnny Mathis. His voice reeks of high fructose corn syrup.

Saturday night, I went shopping for Passover at Kosher on the Boulevard. The Shoprite on Roosevelt Boulevard does a tremendous service to the community. Its kosher department is the largest south of Fair Lawn, New Jersey. It has all the traditional foods from instant macaroni and cheese to teriyaki sauce.

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Most interesting was the matza wrapped in the British empire flag. I inspected the box looking for the endorsement by Winston Churchill. Instead I learned that it had been packed in New Jersey. Maybe it is the official matza of Charles Battenberg and Camilla Parker-Bowles, but if the word got out the company would go out of business.

As I went from aisle to aisle, I was pummeled by "oldies" music. It was as if Hy Lit, rather than Elijah, was about to come to our seder. I complained to every employee I saw, "The 60's are OVER. Put on some living music." Each employee had been born long after the oldies had been consigned to the wax museum.

As I was about to pay $250 for the evening's entertainment, I was assaulted by Johnny Mathis singing "Wonderful, Wonderful."

I was ready to use my political connections to pull their kosher certificate.

Wonderful, wonderful.

(April 7, 2008)